Musings of the Sundarman

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus



When I read 'Men are from Mars...", it opened up a new way of thinking for me. A way of thinking about relationships and women that persists to this day. Thank you, amma, for recommending this book to me. I have a much healthier attitude to the subject than I did in my teens and twenties.

A feminist critique of the book
A feminist might say that 'Men are from Mars...' prepetrates an insidious sexism inherent in the book's message. The theory that men and women are intrinsically different - Sex Role Theory - says that the crux of a person's identity is their gender. John Gray happens to be a leading proponent of this theory.

Feminists decry Gray for never proposing his thoughts as part of this THEORY. They say that gender roles are culturally conditioned and not intrinsic to a human being. And that the goal of the book is to make women feel better about their role as subordinates to men, in a male-dominated culture.

A simple guide to the ups and downs of relationships with the opposite sex, this is a must read right after a fight with your significant other -- its simple brilliance may very well save your relationship. I also like the fact that John Gray was a hindu monk for nine years and served the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, the founder of the Transcendental Meditation movement.

Main points of the book:

1. What is the golden key to better relationships? It is the acceptance of differences.
Our parents and grandparents believed that women and men are different. However, the culture then proceeded to go to the other extreme; believing that there are NO differences between genders.

2. Women try to change Men; Men only want to be accepted
Rather than bringing a problem to a man, bring an issue to him as if he embodies the solution to the problem. Men are focused on their competence; if they cannot solve a problem, they feel as if they are wasting their time.

Women, on the other hand, like to discuss problems, even in the absence of a workable solution. They do this to express their feelings, something that is extremely important to a woman.

3. Women are like Waves; rising to peaks and falling into troughs, then rising again
Men need to understand that the 'trough times' are when women need men the most. If he is supportive and doesn't attempt to get her out of the trough immediately, she feels validated.
To feel motivated, a man must feel NEEDED. A woman, on the other hand, must feel CHERISHED.

4. "Men go into the Cave"
Men alternate between a need for intimacy and a need for distance. Men's going away "into their cave" is not a conscious decision, but is instinctive. Women who don't know about the need for "the cave" and seek constant intimacy, will experience relationship turmoil.

Like a rubber band, a man will stretch for the relationship, but will usually spring back.
5. Arguments: How a point is made vs. the Content of the point
Arguments quickly descend into hurt feelings, emphasizing the way in which a point is being made, rather than the content. Men sometimes do not see how much their comments can hurt and provoke, because they focus on the point itself (the content).

Most arguments start because a woman wants to express worry about something; and the man tells her not to worry. This invalidates her and she gets upset with him. He then gets hurt and mad, because she seems to be getting mad over nothing. He will not say "sorry" for something that he believes he has not done. At this point, the initial argument can go into cruise control for hours, or even days.

Men will argue because they do not feel trusted, admired or encouraged, and are not addressed with trust and encouragement. Women argue because they are not listened to, or put on the man's list of priorities.

Summary:

In our era, we expect maximum fulfilment in our romantic relationships. Bodies and brains, evolving over millenia, required the differentiation of sexes to achieve greater reproductive success. As Daniel Goleman says in 'Emotional Intelligence', we walk around in the modern era with brains built to survive in the savannahs of Africa and the mountains of Europe thousands of years ago.

We expect perfect relationships without a basic understanding of the deep physiological, psychological and emotional differences between men and women. Gray doesn't focus on the 'Nature vs. Nurture' debate. He just says that this is how men and women act; an understanding of the differences will lead to greater relationship harmony.

In Gray's defense:
Does the book increase the division between the sexes? We are in the 21st century; why can't we see each other as just human beings, instead of jews or gentile, brown or white, men and women?

Gray writes for an audience that doesn't read genetics or sociology textbooks. They just want to improve their relationships. Gray may be guilty in some courts or entrenching patriarchy. But Gray never says that either sex is superior -- only that men and women are different.